Audition: “1600 Penn” @ Debra Zane Casting.  Yes!  This is one of my favorite casting offices to go to in town.  Debra, Tannis & Shayna are some of my favorite people.  It was a really, really small role that I was reading for.  I used to be really good at booking those roles, but that has changed for some reason.  I think I did well enough.  I was prepared and had done my research; so it’s up to the powers that be.

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Audition: “ING” @ Ross Lacy Casting.  This was fun; I think it went well for me and my partner.  I would love to book…something before the end of the year.  

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Happy Birthday Mom!

Audition: “Harris Bank” @ Ross Lacy Casting.  Oddly enough this went pretty well.  At least the session director thought so; I felt a bit confused.  Not confused, but I was really in my head.  Oh well. 

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Audition: “State Farm” @ TLC/Booth Casting.  This is a Joe Pytka-directed spot.  It went well.  Hopefully I’ll get a callback.  He doesn’t usually have callbacks, but maybe that has changed.  At any rate, I hope I’m there.

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Audition: “Nike” @ Ross Lacy Casting.  Another one that went great.  I think it shoots tomorrow.  They should call me soon…before I commit to selling burgers & fries.  

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Today marks 10 years since I lost my mother, Louise Fuller, to pancreatic cancer.  Wow.  I miss her so much.  I can only imagine what it would be like if she was still here.  I cannot believe it’s been 10 years.  I don’t know…I just shake my head and be thankful that’s she’s no longer suffering.

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Audition: “Coors Light” @ [skirts].  This went really well…which has NOTHING to do with whether I’ll get a callback or not.  Feels good though.

Tonight I did a prepared scene in a 2-week workshop with a network VP of Casting and I felt that my partner and I did a great job.  Yeah, I think I can do this acting thing.  I know I can. 

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Audition: “Happy Endings” @ Susan Vash Casting.  Wow, my first appointment in 3 weeks.  Susan remembered me and that’s always a good thing.  The actual read was okay; I had a few moments, but…

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Wow.  Yeah, that’s what’s on my mind.  What does the future hold for me?  Who the heck knows?  Sometimes that’s scary as heck and other times it’s stimulating.  Today it’s a bit of both. 

I’ve been thinking about other things I can do with my life.  This isn’t anything new; I’ve always had these thoughts, but now I’m thinking about it in a more serious way.  I think about how working at the restaurant has taken a toll on me.  Make no mistake it’s not the worst thing in the world, far from it.  I have, so far, made the best of it.  But still.  I’m less patient, more cynical, more empty…but also more insightful, more patient with a better grasp on the Spanish language.   Ugh…  How many more tables?  How many more sides of Ranch dressing…I hate Ranch dressing…

I have so much more to offer than what I do there.  So much more.  I want to be a part of something great.  Or at least something that aspires to be great.  Now THAT sounds like fun!  Not many things or operations aspire to be great.  I’m ready to have more fun while I work.  That’s something I usually get to do while acting, but I need to act more often…professionally.

I have to say I’m quite proud that, even if I walked away today and never auditioned for another commercial, TV or film project I could hold my head up high.  I have something to show for my efforts.  I cracked this really tough nut of Hollywood.  I just want more.  I want more of a lot of things.  I just have to figure out how to move things to the next level.  In my career and in my life.  I’m just really hungry.

I mentioned that super, duper, weird crazy experience with my father a few weeks ago.  I haven’t heard anything else from him.  Of course I haven’t reached out to him either.  So maybe we are both guilty.  Maybe he’s more guilty than me.  Maybe that’s just the way life goes sometimes.  Who knows; I think there is a good chance that we’ve spoken to each other for the last time.  What a waste.  Are you serious???  He is supposed to be my father; the one who brought me into this world.  Wow, how empty.  The really odd thing is that out of all six children I am the one that is the most like him.  I began to think that when I was in my late teens and I’ve been running from it ever since.  Sometimes it is said one can become what they are most afraid of…oops.  Terrifying.

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This morning I got a casting notice for a print appointment…at least I thought I did.  Shortly afterwards I received messages informing me that it was actually a glitch in the system at Casting Networks.  Ouch!  I thought I was turning the corner in the print world, but I guess not…yet.  This print thing is hurting me because I finally invested money and shot photos specifically for the print market and, so far, I’ve heard nothing but crickets.  I got more appointments when I was using my regular commercial headshots.  What gives?  At least my agent is responsive to the situation.  She says to give it a little more time and then will re-access.  Okay, I will, but I feel strongly that I can work in the print arena.

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Callback: “Cox Communications @ Ross Lacy Casting.  Yes!  I’m really excited about the possibility of work with this director.  The callback went really well so we’ll see what happens.  If nothing else, I’m one step closer to the brass ring of a booking.  A freakin’ booking!  What’s that???

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Audition: “Cox Communications @ Ross Lacy Casting.  I had a great time delivering a very low-key, almost deadpan read in this audition.  The session director gave me a lot of insight into what this particular director, Zack Math, likes to see in the work.  The spots Zack directed for ORKIN are some of my favorites.

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”Where are the bookings?”  More specifically, “Where are MY bookings?”  I certainly don’t know.  It’s not slow, people are booking, it’s just not me.  It seems as time goes on there has been more and more space in between my bookings.  I wish I had an answer for it, but I don’t.  I’m auditioning better and studying more, but the results are not what I’d hope as of yet.  I even shot photos specifically for my print agent, but that hasn’t lead to even one appointment for a print job.  Not even an appointment.

I’m seeing success all around me, but I’m not seeing tangible results for myself.  At the same time I feel very strongly that I’m doing the right thing in participating in my quest to move forward in my career.  It’s funny, I sometimes go back and read old entries that I’ve written and I hardly recognize the excitement and strides I was making back then.  I’d hoped that, by now, I’d be MUCH further along than I presently am.  I don’t know why I am not.  I do know that there are plenty of, now successful actors’, that lived the same story I’m living now before hitting that next level.  They catered, did construction, were fitness trainers, served burgers, made drinks, etc.  I have no question that I’m doing the right thing by staying engaged and not giving up my place in line.

It seems that I can hardly watch TV, film or a commercial without seeing some sort of connection to a person, a production or a product.  It might be a very obscure connection, but a connection nonetheless.  I feel like I have no more than 6 degrees of separation from everyone in the industry.  Of course that’s not true, but often times it seems that way. 

I, like many and most actors, just want to see more results.  I also know that I’ll have to be patient.  This is not a sprint it’s certainly a journey.

Lastly, I definitely want to thank my representatives and the casting directors that continue to support me and believe that “I can do this!”

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Today I attended the Los Angeles Financial Planning Day Event held at The Los Angeles Central Library.  I didn’t get much sleep before attending, but…what else is new.  I stayed awake the best I could.

I’m always surprised at the low turnout for an event such as this.  But, I guess 10 years ago, I would have been one of those same people not showing up.  I’ve always been a seeker of knowledge, but not necessarily in the area of personal finance.  Thankfully, that has changed.  It was a good, informative event for me. 

At the end I sat down for a one-on-one meeting with a consultant about my situation.  I told him where I was financially 6-7 years ago and where I am now.   I also showed him my credit report and my net/debt worth statement.  He was very impressed with my journey.  I told him that I felt I was saving a little too much for retirement and not enough to be liquid, emergency funds, etc.  He agreed and suggested I slow down on my Roth IRA contributions and start saving for a condo/house while continuing my 401(k) at the restaurant.  For the most part I agree with that, but I really just want to make more money acting and use that for a down payment on some real estate.  It’s going to be really difficult for me to stop contributing to my Roth IRA…we’ll see.

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Audition: “The Splits” @ Natalie Ballesteros Casting.  This was great fun.  I usually try to avoid being the first actor on tape for a session because often times it seems like they are still working out the camera, the computer or what works and/or doesn’t for the character.  I didn’t worry about that this time I just went in and did my thing.  I was very happy with the result.  It’s a web series and I really hope to book it.

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Audition: “Ford Fusion” @ Dan Bell Casting.  Nice!  Good stuff.

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Something really weird that caught me completely off guard happened today.  I called my little sister, Avis in Virginia Beach, for her birthday.  Avis has Down’s Syndrome and is as special as they come.  Truly, she has made me laugh all of my life…and continues to do so.  She is the reason that I’m as empathetic as I am…sometimes too empathetic for my own good, lol! 

Anyway, we were on the phone laughing and joking as I sang Happy Birthday to her.  I could hear her sorta bickering with my father in the background.  That is normal, not “really” bickering, but just playfully complaining as she always has done with him.  Mind you, I haven’t spoken to my father since July of 2003, about 8 months after my mother passed away.  I stopped calling to check on him years ago and he’s never cared to have any interest in my life or development as a person…at all.  Unless, of course, it’s to let me know that he thinks I’ll never amount to anything in this life.  I’ve been free of that for the last 9+ years. 

I have heard his voice over the years in this same fashion, in the background on the phone, over the years and it was always surreal knowing that my father was so close… yet so far.  I don’t know if I no longer exist to him or what.  I have no idea what he thinks.  He knows I’m still alive.  He knows I don’t live in Virginia Beach anymore.  Beyond that I couldn’t tell ya.

Back to my sister.  As she continued with her playful bickering all of the sudden he was on the phone with me.  I didn’t know what to say for a second so I didn’t say anything.  Then I started talking as if we were old friends.  I wasn’t sure if he knew it was me or not.  Then he asked something about her medication and I kinda paused and said, “I…don’t know.  I’m not sure”.  He replied, “Who is this?”  I said “Bryan, It’s Bryan” (My given name).  There was silence.  He thought I was my brother Jeff who he speaks with daily.  He stuttered for a bit; we made a little small talk.  He asked how I was and gave the phone back to my sister.    

It was odd.  My sister was talking to me and I wasn’t “all there” as I was still dealing with what had just happened.  Then my father got back on the phone and made more small talk and either the call dropped…or he hung up.  I sat there in my car in silence.  For the life of me I cannot understand how and/or why my father has treated me the way he has for my entire life.  In his eyes it seems as though I have zero redeeming qualities.  I started to feel very emotional and sad.  After sitting there for a bit I gathered myself and made my way home.

The older I get the more I see how much I missed from not having a supportive and nurturing family.  It happens to a lot of people.  I’d like to think that if I ever became a father I’d be great and really try to be all I could be for my family.  Maybe my father is giving all he has to give.  I don’t know, but I know that I wish it was more or he'd at least try to be better.   

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                                           My sister Avis.  Happy Birthday!  I love you!

Audition: “Georgia Lottery” Joe Blake Casting.  Eh, this went okay.  I felt just a little out of place with my auditioning group, but that has very little to do with what I think.

Callback: “Lincoln” @ [skirts].  The callback was just okay.  I felt like you could see me, working and thinking, while I was doing what I needed to do.  I was in my head too much.

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Audition: “Lincoln” @ [skirts].  I got to sit on Santa Claus’ lap for this audition.  Must be that time of the year; meaning time for Hollywood to start producing Holiday commercials.  It was fun.  Me, as a grown-assed man, sitting on a grown-ass-old-ass man’s lap.  Yup, pretty funny.

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Audition: “Applebee’s” @ Ross Lacy Casting.  Oh my, my “wife” in this audition was so charming and beautiful that I don’t even remember what happened.  I think it went well.

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