I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. The mother of a dear friend in New York passed away last night. I knew Genine’s mom and she always treated me like family when I lived in New York or would visit. I met Genine in a chance meeting back in Virginia Beach in the early 90’s. My family, she and her friends had a lot of fun together going skiing in the Poconos Mountains several years in a row.
Her mother had been ill of late and it wasn’t totally unexpected that she passed, but having been through it it’s nothing you can really, truly prepare for. I don’t know what to say to her. There just aren’t words to express; just like there weren’t words to express when I lost my mom. I wish I could go to New York for the funeral, but I can’t really afford to do it.
Of course, this makes me think of my father. I haven’t spoken to him in 3 years and sometimes wonder if I’ve already spoken to him for the last time. I’m fully aware that I am taking a big risk and that could be a reality, but he is taking the same risk in having spoken to me for the last time. Truthfully, I don’t think I ever cross his mind. I can’t imagine why I would.
Sometimes I wonder how I would really react if something was to happen to him. What if he got sick; would I make special trips to go see him like I did my mom? I really don’t know. I can’t be sure that he would even want me to see him. It’s amazing that I was just home for a month and I didn’t see him once – by choice. At the same time I knew at any moment all that could change. We just don’t get along; he has no respect for me at all – never has. I don’t even think he likes me; now or ever. Fortunately, I have other family members I can turn to for support. It would be nice to have a connection with my dad – in theory; especially since we’re just a phone call or a plane flight away. It’s tragic; it’s sad and really stupid. I don’t know what else to do other than stay out of his way.
Her mother had been ill of late and it wasn’t totally unexpected that she passed, but having been through it it’s nothing you can really, truly prepare for. I don’t know what to say to her. There just aren’t words to express; just like there weren’t words to express when I lost my mom. I wish I could go to New York for the funeral, but I can’t really afford to do it.
Of course, this makes me think of my father. I haven’t spoken to him in 3 years and sometimes wonder if I’ve already spoken to him for the last time. I’m fully aware that I am taking a big risk and that could be a reality, but he is taking the same risk in having spoken to me for the last time. Truthfully, I don’t think I ever cross his mind. I can’t imagine why I would.
Sometimes I wonder how I would really react if something was to happen to him. What if he got sick; would I make special trips to go see him like I did my mom? I really don’t know. I can’t be sure that he would even want me to see him. It’s amazing that I was just home for a month and I didn’t see him once – by choice. At the same time I knew at any moment all that could change. We just don’t get along; he has no respect for me at all – never has. I don’t even think he likes me; now or ever. Fortunately, I have other family members I can turn to for support. It would be nice to have a connection with my dad – in theory; especially since we’re just a phone call or a plane flight away. It’s tragic; it’s sad and really stupid. I don’t know what else to do other than stay out of his way.
6 comments:
S, whenever you don't know which way to turn or what to do, be still. Be strong. Be prayerful. Those 3 things WILL lean on your heart about what you should do next.
TRUST ME!
Hey Stephon,
I guess I picked a good day to finally check out your blog. I don't know anything about your relationship with your father, but I do know that after years of absence from my life, I was able to reconcile with my father only a couple of months before he died in 1999, and that reconciliation has made all the difference in the world for me.
Before that last time that I saw him (6 years prior), I was a teenager calling him by his first name out of spite because I was angry at what a deadbeat dad he'd been. But the last time I had the opportunity to see him, I felt the same urgency that it sounds like you're feeling - my gut said this was the last time I'd get to tell him that I love him and forgive him, so I jumped at the chance to say it. The last words I said to my father were "I love you, Daddy." It's a memory that I'll never forget and am glad that I have.
Your father may not be as receptive to those words, but it might help if you can even just forgive him in your heart. You can't control how he feels about you, but you can control how you feel about him.
You're a really good man and deserve every happiness. Anyone who doesn't find you to be the most lovable, respectable human being on the planet is simply insane.
My heart really goes out to your friend and her family for their loss. Stay strong.
Peace and Love,
Dominica
Stephon,
Coming from a parent, believe me, your father thinks about you every day. How can he not? You're his child!
I pray that one day your relationship with him can be healed. Like you pointed out in your entry, life is way too short.
- Shenita.
Melissa, thanks for the extra strength; I truly appreciate it and need it.
Hey Dominica, welcome to the world of blogs!
Day by day, I don't know what will happen between my pops and I, if anything. I could call him tomorrow for all I know; it's really not rehearsed. I also don't have to forgive him because I'm not angry at him per se; I just don't understand how I got to be so low on his totem pole. It's just kinda empty for the most part; neither here nor there. What I do have is a feeling that it's a bit of a tragic and unfortunate situation. Sometimes life is like that. Fortunately, I don't have much of that in my life. Thanks for the kind words.
Hey Shenita, geez, what you say sounds great in theory and it would be nice if I truly thought it was true, but I just don't have any evidence that it is. Maybe tomorrow will be different. I am open to the possibilities, we'll see. Thanks!
Stephon
Sometimes when we don't know what to say and we say nothing, we are left with unresolved feelings...be it anger, hurt, or sadness. Don't dwell on what he was NOT to you or how he did NOT treat you, instead dwell on what was right and make the first move. You know, he may have wanted to reach out to you for the last 3 years but just couldn't find the words. I pray that God gives you the strength and direction to do what is right for YOU.
Hey mznewagenda,
I hear what you say and I don't pretend to know the solution...if there is one that's any better than what is happening.
I'm very aware of what he did and didn't do; I'm fair that way. I to be honest, I'm really upset with him. I'm more curious as to why.
As far as him wanting to reach out to me, but not being able to find the words. I had to laugh at that...you've never met my father. Thanks though.
I "think" I'm doing what's right...at least today.
Stephon
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