So here we are…or rather here I am. What is going on? Sometimes I think I know. Other times I’m convinced that I have no earthly idea. It’s a weird existence, but it’s probably something that many of us experience. At the end of the day I think I’m doing the right thing by, at least trying, to participate in my success. That very success fall into several different areas.
One of the most important areas is to be a great brother and uncle…and I wish I could say “son”, but I think that boat has already sailed…my mother passed away 8 years ago and my father and I haven’t spoken in almost as many years. I‘m very close to some of my siblings and not so much to others. That area of family is so important to me, because truthfully, it’s all I’ve got. Something I need to give an ample amount of attention to is to develop better, richer personal relationships here in Los Angeles. Even though I’ve lived in LA for going on 13 years I don’t feel that I’ve really tried to make it my home. I need to change that.
Speaking of my father. I often wonder how I became someone that he “could care less about”…actually “much, much less”. I also wonder why I’m not completely broken over it…or maybe I am and I deny it. I know a lot about denial. I know that having no father figure in my life effects me; I’m just not sure how. There are many things he could have helped to guide me through…or maybe he just didn’t/doesn’t know how to be any different than he is. I guess I can’t blame him if he’s doing the best he can with what he has to work with. Oh well, I can’t force him to care if I exist or not. Many have it worse than I; so I’ll run with what I have…whatever that is.
Another major area in my life is my employment at the restaurant…and, most importantly, how I’m handling it. I’ve been working at the restaurant for 995 days and I have to say I’m very proud of how I’ve handled it. Make no mistake; it’s tough and I DO NOT recommend working a schedule like mine for a lengthy period of time. But I think the very fact that it’s extremely tough is, in some areas, the advantage that will make the difference in my future.
I’ve usually been able to make “lemonade out of the lemons placed before me” and this night job experience is no exception. I’m completely amazed at what I’ve been able to accomplish in less than 1,000 days. I don’t know that I believed I could be debt-free short of being a series regular on TV or having tons of commercials running and film roles…or winning the lottery, LOL! But I did it; I turned the financial ship around and I’ve turned into a saver-saver on a mission. I have no choice because, as an actor, I really have to look out for my financial future and retirement. I’m already a vested SAG member with a pension and I qualify for an early retirement, so the key now is to increase my earnings so that my benefits will increase as well. I’m late to the party and I have a lot of catching up to do.
One of the greatest things about this particular part of the journey is that I’ve been able to encourage other, mostly younger people to take control of their spending and believe they can get out of debt too. I wish someone would have helped me using a language and method of financial literacy I could’ve understood when I was younger, but things happen when they do.
All in all, I’m on a good track and I think great things are ahead for me in my future…in several different areas.
4 comments:
Let me begin by saying that I love your blog and look forward to your new entries all the time. I've met you on a number of occasions and think you are talented, kind and very giving of your time and knowledge.
I hope you take what I am about to say as it is meant and not some hokey advice. I'm coming from a place where I never met my mother and often wonder what this person thinks on Mother's Day, my birthday and other holidays. I have to say that as soon as I accepted and admitted to myself and the world that it pissed me off, made me sad, made me bitter and sometimes even deeply depressed that is when I truly understood myself and a lot of my behavior. Not only did it make me a better person...it really made me a better actor. When I stopped pretending that it didn't bother me I also stopped pretending in a whole lot of areas in my life. I'm not saying you are pretending or hiding your feelings just asking for you to look deep within and allow yourself to feel how much that parental rejection really hurts/affects you. You'll be amazed at how freeing it is to admit it hurts and then move on. Your life, relationships, acting will all change for the better.
Again, this comes from a place of caring and I truly hope it does not cross boundaries. If you want to discuss further..reply to this comment saying so and I will email you personally. and BWT, it's your father's loss that he doesn't have a relationship with you.
Hey Anonymous,
Thanks for writing. I don't at all take what you've taken the time to write as "hokey". I can learn from you and your experiences too. I'm probably not "pissed" at my father, but more disappointed in him. I mean, he is only a man and he's had experiences too that are part of his make up that might explain his actions/inactions.
I absolutely get sad and depressed over the situation of being rejected by my father sometimes, but fortunately those time don't last for long periods of time. Part of me is curious as to what he thinks I do on a daily basis or what i look like now. I don't know if he thinks about me at all...that's hard to take.
I do know that I have to live this life and i can't get so bogged down about his rejection of me that I can't function in the world. Fortunately, I have bright spots in my life that are completely opposite of the situation with him.
I'm not pretending it doesn't suck, because frankly, it does suck, it does hurt and yes, it does affect me. I was freed a few years ago when I came to the realization that he may not have the capacity to do any better than he is doing...it's hard to blame him for that. He just might be doing the best he can. But ya never know what the future could bring...and I am open that possibility of it turning into a better, positive, thriving relationship.
So no, you haven't crossed any boundaries with me and i do appreciation you reaching out. I can tell it's with care and concern.
Stephon
I've been a lurker for awhile and just decided to comment today....just wanted to wish you continued success keep believing and keep striving!! God Bless!
Hey Yolanda, thanks for checking in and for the support. I really appreciate it!
Stephon
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