Friday, November 02, 2012

Wow.  Yeah, that’s what’s on my mind.  What does the future hold for me?  Who the heck knows?  Sometimes that’s scary as heck and other times it’s stimulating.  Today it’s a bit of both. 

I’ve been thinking about other things I can do with my life.  This isn’t anything new; I’ve always had these thoughts, but now I’m thinking about it in a more serious way.  I think about how working at the restaurant has taken a toll on me.  Make no mistake it’s not the worst thing in the world, far from it.  I have, so far, made the best of it.  But still.  I’m less patient, more cynical, more empty…but also more insightful, more patient with a better grasp on the Spanish language.   Ugh…  How many more tables?  How many more sides of Ranch dressing…I hate Ranch dressing…

I have so much more to offer than what I do there.  So much more.  I want to be a part of something great.  Or at least something that aspires to be great.  Now THAT sounds like fun!  Not many things or operations aspire to be great.  I’m ready to have more fun while I work.  That’s something I usually get to do while acting, but I need to act more often…professionally.

I have to say I’m quite proud that, even if I walked away today and never auditioned for another commercial, TV or film project I could hold my head up high.  I have something to show for my efforts.  I cracked this really tough nut of Hollywood.  I just want more.  I want more of a lot of things.  I just have to figure out how to move things to the next level.  In my career and in my life.  I’m just really hungry.

I mentioned that super, duper, weird crazy experience with my father a few weeks ago.  I haven’t heard anything else from him.  Of course I haven’t reached out to him either.  So maybe we are both guilty.  Maybe he’s more guilty than me.  Maybe that’s just the way life goes sometimes.  Who knows; I think there is a good chance that we’ve spoken to each other for the last time.  What a waste.  Are you serious???  He is supposed to be my father; the one who brought me into this world.  Wow, how empty.  The really odd thing is that out of all six children I am the one that is the most like him.  I began to think that when I was in my late teens and I’ve been running from it ever since.  Sometimes it is said one can become what they are most afraid of…oops.  Terrifying.

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