What a week…or more like 10 days. My mind is so twisted that I feel like I'm going absolutely crazy. The 5 year anniversary of my mom's death and her birthday were recently and I'm filled with emotion. That's nothing new. The problem is that it won't overflow and come out.
Usually, during this time of the year I'm either okay or a basket-case...for a moment, hours, days or a couple of days - or anything in between. This time I feel like I'm in a haze. Kinda like drunk driving - not that I've ever done that. Ya know how when you have to sneeze, but when it's time to actually do it; the sneeze won't come out? That's the way I've felt for the last week or so. I feel like I'm ready to cry like a baby, but I'm only 96.1120% of the way there...the other 3.888% is killing is me.
I am guilty of privately balling like a kid in a few movies lately. It didn't have much to do with the films themselves; there were just some parallels that have conjured up what I went through in '02 and '03 when my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It's tough to say the least; I miss my mother more than words can describe. My mind has been so glazed over that I actually fell down the stairs yesterday coming out of my building. Yeah, seriously. Do you know how many times I've walked down those stairs over 9 years? Thousands of times, but this time I missed the last step, fell, scraped my knee and twisted my foot. I had my PDA and cell phone in my hand and fortunately didn't break them. That wouldn't have been good.
In my experience the loss hasn’t gotten much easier, it just changes. No, I’m not a basket-case on a daily basis – far from that, but often times I feel like an orphan. I wish I could have shared some of my successes with her. She would have been thrilled to know that I worked with Steven Spielberg – he directed “The Color Purple” one of her favorite films. I mean, I’m sure she knows, but I would have like to talk to her about it. She was a funny lady and I miss her everyday.
It’s been quiet business-wise lately; so to get through with my sanity intact I’ve kept myself extremely busy with editing my demo reel and other stuff. I’m really enjoying the editing and other things I’ve been into recently. I just wish I understood the programs a little more. I’ll just keep working at it.
Usually, during this time of the year I'm either okay or a basket-case...for a moment, hours, days or a couple of days - or anything in between. This time I feel like I'm in a haze. Kinda like drunk driving - not that I've ever done that. Ya know how when you have to sneeze, but when it's time to actually do it; the sneeze won't come out? That's the way I've felt for the last week or so. I feel like I'm ready to cry like a baby, but I'm only 96.1120% of the way there...the other 3.888% is killing is me.
I am guilty of privately balling like a kid in a few movies lately. It didn't have much to do with the films themselves; there were just some parallels that have conjured up what I went through in '02 and '03 when my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It's tough to say the least; I miss my mother more than words can describe. My mind has been so glazed over that I actually fell down the stairs yesterday coming out of my building. Yeah, seriously. Do you know how many times I've walked down those stairs over 9 years? Thousands of times, but this time I missed the last step, fell, scraped my knee and twisted my foot. I had my PDA and cell phone in my hand and fortunately didn't break them. That wouldn't have been good.
In my experience the loss hasn’t gotten much easier, it just changes. No, I’m not a basket-case on a daily basis – far from that, but often times I feel like an orphan. I wish I could have shared some of my successes with her. She would have been thrilled to know that I worked with Steven Spielberg – he directed “The Color Purple” one of her favorite films. I mean, I’m sure she knows, but I would have like to talk to her about it. She was a funny lady and I miss her everyday.
It’s been quiet business-wise lately; so to get through with my sanity intact I’ve kept myself extremely busy with editing my demo reel and other stuff. I’m really enjoying the editing and other things I’ve been into recently. I just wish I understood the programs a little more. I’ll just keep working at it.
http://www.stephonfuller.com/consultations.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hRX79E75yA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8vMXinr1N9w
1 comment:
Stephon, I have stumbled on this and am overwhelmed with your journeys. I will have to mark it and begin the process of slogging through your days.
I am in Atlanta, GA and have a full time job, a teenage son and daughter so am limited on my rounds and casting opportunities (not to mention I'm in Atlanta); I do have an agent. I used to live in L.A., briefly got an agent, got a dayplayer role on Final Verdict; callback for tv movie of the week on mothers with super premature babies (I was going for the pitiful under-the-radar hispanic mom; there was also a black mom and a white mom in the trio; I auditioned with Prince of Belair's cousin and Joanna Gleason-what a high!). That was the end of my LA career for various reasons including I hate the scene and the kowtowing. Prior to L.A. I was in New York. I'm pretty old now to try and be serious about it but I am trying. Your blog is inspirational and doesn't make me feel so much like I'm spinning my wheels constantly.
THANKS, Rose
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