Saturday, March 08, 2014

My Life (off of) The Sunset Strip...


So I'm in Toluca Lake, burning off a soon to be expiring Groupon, for an acupuncture session.

I'm freshly showered, smooth with lotion, but not naked. I'm wearing my favorite, red, tighty whities...and a smock/gown get up with an untied open back.

I'm laying, face up, on the acupuncture table.

The Doctor, 50's (Hollywood 50's), friendly, brunette, groovy (of course she's groovy it's Eastern medicine), enters the room. She explains her process as she looks down at me with her chestnut colored locks dangling down towards me.

Bach is playing in the background at a very low volume (I only knew it was Bach because she told me).

SHE: How are you doing? Are you nervous?

ME: No, I'm okay. I think I can handle it. I'm just going to relax and enjoy the ride.

SHE: Good. Show me your tongue.

Inside, I'm giggling. Why? No good reason. I just giggle a lot. Inside.

I stick out my tongue. Not like poking it at her, just a normal, like, ahhh (without the "ahhh" sound).

Here's where it got really least for me.

SHE: We can do a lot with that tongue.

Now, I'm sure the following moment only took 1-2 seconds, but in my mind it took minutes. Several minutes.

Remember, I'm laying on my back, not naked (but "naked adjacent") looking up, and she's standing over me, looking down...Hollywood 50's, with those chestnut locks blowing in the wind like in an Aerosmith video...AND she has just said to me "We can do a lot with that tongue".

I DID NOT remember auditioning for this role at all.

ME: ahhh...

SHE: Yeah, I can see you have trouble sleeping and we can work on your diet if you decide to come back for more of my work.

At that point I was thinking I should REALLY come back for "more work" or REALLY not come back...for more work.

ME: Okay, great.

SHE: I put the first needle in. Did you feel it?

ME: Nope, didn't feel a thing.


When I got back in my car I looked at my tongue. I didn't see any mold, moss or algae on it, but I didn't go to college either...I'm on the really low-end of smart. Who knows though, it's 4:11am and I'm still wide awake, maybe I'm phuk'd.

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