Monday, May 01, 2006

Guess what? It's 6am and I'm reporting for my morning meeting with my mistress; this chick named "Motrin" (‘Mo’ for short). Now, Motrin and I haven't known each other long, not even a week. We have an understanding. It's all good, I open her up, look around, swallow and that’s that…until we meet again.

I ain’t trying to say that "Mo" is a bootie call or nuttin like that. I have the utmost respect for her power and position in my life, but I'm hollering at this hottie named "Vicodin" (‘Vicky’ for short) too. You see "Vicky" has a twin sister named "Amoxicillin"; I call her "Moxie" and “Moxie” is something else!

At yesterday's morning staff meeting I was "swole up fo real" and I had a cool ass black eye developing. But after a threesome with Moxie, Mo & Vicky I was feeling much better and the swelling went down considerably. By the end of the day I felt I was getting back to normal. Well, that’s what I thought.

Last night, actually early this morning around 3am I sent a text message to Vicky and she didn’t like my approach and we got into a huge….disagreement. I thought we had worked it out and agreed to disagree. Well I wake up at 6am and get this; I’m freakin’ bleeding from my mouth and swole up - AGAIN! She let me know who was running thangs. I looked like a dump truck or Mike Tyson after Buster Douglas whipped his butt. This has to turn around soon.

I hadn’t mentioned this before, but I have a lot of bruising on the inside of my top lip and the bruising is slowly traveling to the outside of my lip. So I’m getting a ruby-red color to my lips, like lip stick – nice. It’s like one step forward and two steps back.

Something else I don’t think I mentioned is that I have an appointment with a podiatrist this morning. Yeah, I was getting my yearly physical a couple of weeks ago and the doctor asked me….

Doc: Do you have flat feet?

Me: Ahh…I don’t know.

Doc: Do your feet bother you? Or your back? Or Shins?

Me: As a matter of fact they do sometimes; yeah even when I’m not on them.

Doc: Yeah, you definitely have flat feet. I’ll give you a referral to a podiatrist to get them checked out.

I truly didn’t know; it’s not like I ever tried on someone else’s feet and could compare the two. What really tripped me out was that I had socks on and he could still tell. I guess that’s why he gets the big bucks and my feet are really flat.

This physical wasn’t as interesting as the one on Dec 15th ’04, yes I remember the date, when I surprisingly got my prostate examined as part of the procedure. If you’re familiar with what a prostate exam entails; imagine not having any idea it was going to happen until the probing finger was…….probing. Yeah, “in through the out door” and yes it is only an out door. Unless, of course, I’m getting my prostate examined….

Okay, so to the podiatrist office. The doctor takes a look at my feet and ask some questions. He has me roll up pants to my knees and walk. Right away he notices that my right side droops when I walk and my right leg is about an inch shorter than my left. WHAT!!! Yeah, WTF is going on? So he gives me temporary inserts for my shoes now and takes plaster cast of my feet for custom inserts. Yup, they’ll be ready in 10 days. All for a $15 co-pay. Gotta love that SAG coverage.

Lastly, this is worth mentioning I think. I have direct deposit for TV/Film Residuals through my credit union. So the checks go directly to the credit union to be deposited and the credit union sends me a credit union statement and the statement from the check. I’m guilty of not always looking at that mail right away because I know there isn’t any checks, just statements and I’m ALL about the money. Well I got one today and I opened it for some reason and sure enough there was actually a check in there. Moral of the story for me: check your mail it might be residual from “Yes, Dear”.


Bonnie said...

Only you could turn this ordeal into some of the funniest raspberry beret-ist threesome of women/drugs reading EVER!

Brilliant writing.

Now, keep resting, okay? For real!

TanikaBrown said...

Mo? Vicky? Moxie? Who is the bottom beyotch?

Feel better!


Stephon Fuller said...