Sunday, July 15, 2012

This was a bit of a head trip for me.  Today I went to a small family reunion on my father’s side of the family.  Even though the gathering was only about 50 miles away my father didn’t attend.  Who knows why; my father was just being…”my father”. 

The crazy thing for me was that I haven’t seen or spoken to my father in 9-10 years so I don’t really know what he looks like anymore.  I mean I have an idea what he looks like, but that’s it, an idea.  When we arrived, some of the first few people I saw were two of his nephews - my cousins.  I was kind of staring at them in this weird way because they are the closest thing, in my life, that resembles my father.  And they were living, breathing, talking, interacting with people, etc!  It was just odd…and quite sad actually.  Not the event, just the notion of being so rejected by my own dad.  It’s amazing; I guess I don’t exist in his world anymore.

I’d be lying if I said that being rejected in that way hasn’t affected me; it has.  Of course it has…and does.  I’m not sure what I did to contribute to it being this way between he and I…maybe nothing.  It has always been this way from what I can remember.  I’m one of 6 children and he had his favorites and I certainly was not/am not one of them.  “Favorites” might not be accurate, but he treated some of us “more favorable” than others.  Maybe it’s just that way he’s wired.  It scares me for my future to be honest.  I’m so afraid of ultimately being like him that I feel that I may end up being…exactly like him.

At any rate, I had fun at the event.

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